We are on the home stretch of one of our regular cross-country traipses to spend time with family. This time has seemed particularly long. I am starting to feel like I have lived in the car for the last week. I guess by the time we arrive home tomorrow we will have spent some 40 hours in the car in a 5 day period, and that’s not to mention the hours the bathroom breaks, a pit stop in Pittsburgh to pick up my little sister, and lost searches for a Caribou Coffee tacked on to the journey.
Our drives are always great times though to step back and do some reflection. To evaluate where we are in life and dream about where we want to go in the coming days, weeks, and years. So in the midst of the boredom, the car-induced tiffs (and sometimes all out brawls), and way too much money paid to Starbucks, they do end up being a rich time to re-focus on what really matters in life.
Tonight, as the sun faded, giving way to an amber rising moon and a bright trail of tractor trailer lights, I’m doing some soul searching.
As we spent time with my family to celebrate Hope’s graduation, I saw something in her and others on her campus. I saw a sense of deep peace. It almost seemed like they had this well deep inside of them that so filled the core of their being that it just couldn’t help but overflow, bringing a sense of calm to the world around them. It kind of weirded me out at first. I felt on the defense as I suddenly felt like I was anything but peaceful, centered, and living out of something deep within myself. If anything I felt shallow, uptight, and selfish.
I know that God walks with me, that I trust Him, but I feel like something has been missing, like I got distracted by life and let the life of my soul dim. Distracted by leadership. Distracted by bills. Distracted by relationships. Distracted by an intense fear of failure. Distracted by my house and the next big thing to get on the list. Distracted by health. Distracted by learning. Distracted by a lot of things that aren’t bad. Mostly things that I do want to be significant in my life, but I feel like these haven’t been flowing out of a rich well in my core. Instead I feel like they are things I have been sustaining. My plans, energy, and dedication. My goals, pleasures, and pain.
So my questions are:
What does one do to life from an inner well?
I know in my head that the right answer has something to do with “Jesus” of course, but really does it all hinge on him?
And if so, what does living in this reality really look like?
Do many people feel this lacking, even genuine believers like me (or at least so I think)?
If so, what is it keeping us from experiencing this inner well?
Gosh, I want this. I feel like has to do with this sense of intimacy with Christ. Trust. Rest in His Being. Rest in who I am in Him. All these things that seem so basic and we all know as the “right” answers, but somehow I feel them deep in my soul this time. In a way that I long for rather than a way I just feel obligated to.
I wish I could express how good that last statement feels for me. So good that it almost brings tears to my eyes because I’ve been on this journey for the last few years of re-discovering what my faith really looks like, struggling to let go of the slavish fear (as one of the grads this weekend called it) that binds me to “right” things and learning to hold on to the truths that I own in my gut. And one of the things I don’t get yet is this intimacy with God thing, but as always the journey is continuing…
God, I wanted a goal during this season in my life to be to learn to recognize your voice, but maybe my goal needs to be to just know you more during this season because hearing your voice will probably begin to take care of itself as I look into your face. Please continue to reveal yourself to me in new, mind-blowing, life-giving, healing ways. No, just please continue to reveal yourself to me. Period. The rest will come. The rest will flow from this. Remind me of this every day. I need it.
